Rainbows
by Maddibi3lschm1dt
Summary: This story follows Matthew Williams through his every day life struggles. After several years of intense bullying Matthew turns to unorthodox methods to relieve himself. on day, a crazy Albino boy stumble into his life and turns his world around, showing him that maybe there is something to live for. eventual PruCan.
1. Chapter 1

Rainbows

chapter one: third person, following Matthew

Young Matthew Williams clutched his stuffed polar bear to his chest, as he walked into the school behind his older brother Alfred. Alfred was escorting Matthew to his kindergarten class for his first day of school. Matthew was really nervous, he was afraid of being alone in a class room full of other kids that he didn't know how to interact with.

Sensing his younger brothers anxiety Alfred turns around and crouches down so we can look Matthew in the eyes. Alfred is only two years older then Matthew, but Matthew is rather small for his age, and Alfred isn't exactly short. Sighing Alfred pulls Matthew into a hug "if you get scared or hurt, come by my class room anytime, ok?" Matthew nods his head slowly, enjoying the feeling of being comforted by his older brother. "good. Now remember Mattie, my classroom is upstairs, third door on the left, got it?" Matthew nods again and Alfred pulls back from the hug. Alfred grabs Matthews shoulders and turns him around, giving him a gentle push into the classroom.

"now go have fun!"

Matthew clutches his polar bear even tighter to his chest as he walks into the room. Almost immediately Matthew sees rambunctious children running around and fighting over toys in the play kitchen that was set up in the corner. Matthew walks over to a corner, near the painting area, and sits down, more comfortable now that he is more alone. He sits there for a minute or two until the tall woman, who he assumed was his teacher walked over to a chair and called everyone over. Matthew rises from his spot in the corner of the room and goes the sit on the edge of the giant alphabet rug that all of the other students are seating them selves on.

"hello children, my name is Ms. K" the teacher spoke with a thick Russian accent "I hope to get to know you all very well, and i know that we are going to have tons of fun this school year!"

Matthew likes how kind she seems and how she really looks like she cares about the students.

"so" Ms. K began "who wants to read a story" all of the children around Matthew start screeching in excitement, shouting out the stories that they want to hear. After a few moments, Ms. K gets the class to settle down and begins to read the ugly duckling.

"it was a beautiful summer day" the story began "The sun shines warmly on a farm house near a river. Behind the house a mother duck is sitting on her eggs. 'tchick' one by one the eggs begin to crack open.

Except one" she says, as all the children gasp. "this one is the biggest of them all" she continues "Mother duck sits on the big egg. At last it breaks open, 'tchick,tchick'. Out jumps the last baby duck. It is big and strong, it is also ugly and grey"

Some of the kids in Matthews class begin to talk about the ugly duckling, but Matthew leans in further, intrigued by the story.

"the next day the mother duckling brings all the ducklings down to the river and tells them to go and play in the water. All the ducklings jump in. The ugly duckling jumps in too. They all swim around, the ugly duckling swims stronger then the rest.' Quack quack', says the mother duckling 'come with me to play in the farm yard'. All the ducklings follow their mother into the farm yard."

Ms. K pauses for a moment, then sets down the book. The other children all whined and complained, but settled down when she said that she would finish the story at nap time. Ms. K stands up and walks across the room before coming back with a book of construction paper.

"okay kids, today i want to learn about what you do and do not like, so you are all going to line up, and take two pieces of paper." for an example Ms. K holds up two pieces of paper, one red and one blue. "and on one you will like things you like, and on the other things that you don't like"

All of the students stand up at once, except for Matthew, and push and shove to be in line first, until every one but Matthew has their paper. Once all of the other students are at their tables, Matthew walks over to Ms. K and collects his paper, before going to sit in an empty seat next to the Cuban kid Carlos, and his friend from Denmark, Mathias.

Neither of them notice as Matthew sits down and starts to work. Matthew starts with the things he likes, on an orange piece of paper. He writes, drawing, pancakes, his brother and his pet polar bear, Kuma-something, and hugs, from his papa and dad. Then he moves onto the things he doesn't like, loud noises, his dads cooking, war and crying.

Matthew looks over at Mathias' paper, the things he does like, there is lots of cars and guns, making Matthew shy away from the other slightly. He also sneaks a peek at Carlos' and sees that he likes ice cream. _hm._ Matthew thinks._ I like ice cream, maybe we can be friends_. The thought of having friends makes him smile because hes never had any friends before (unless you count his brother)

Carlos looks up at Matthew and smirks, before flicking Matthew on the forehead, causing him to shrink back into his seat, before laughing.

"Sorry, but i don't like Americans" Carlos says with a Cuban accent, faint in his voice. Matthew wants to voice that he isn't American but in fact Canadian, and that he did not appreciate being flicked, but Matthew stays quiet in fear that he will be flicked again. So he instead turns back to his work, to finish colouring in his drawing of pancakes. He continues this for another 15 minutes until the bell rings, signalling for them to go outside for break. Matthew writes his name on the bottom of his paper and hands it in to Ms. K, before walking out the door, and going to sit on the playground.

Matthew sit on one of the bench outside and watches as the other kids run around and play tag or double dutch. He sighs quietly and closes his eyes, absorbing the September sunshine, until someone much larger then him sits on top of him. Matthew sucks in a gasp, the extra weight crushing his legs. Matthew Squirms a little, but the boy sitting on top of him doesn't seem to notice. Finally, giving up on the silent approach.

" U-um, d-do you Th-think that you c-could m-maybe g-get off me?" he says as loudly as he can, which is only a whisper. The boy sitting on top of him looks down at Matthew, the stands up.

"what were you doing under me child" he says in a thick Russian accent, close to that of his teachers "you want to become one with me, da?" Matthew shakes his head vigorously, not even knowing what that means, the Russian kids, who is probably in third or fourth grade smiles at Matthew darkly, making Matthew shake violently. "then you should be moving from my spot, da?"

Matthew is about to move when the Russian kid gives him a hard shove, sending him face first into the pavement, skinning his palms and knees a little and scratching his cheek. Matthews hand shoots up to his face, and his big doe eyes begin to water.

Matthew runs inside and into the bathroom. He pulls his hand away from his cheek and looks in the mirror, where he sees that he has a scratch around the size of a baby's hand on his left cheek. _Oh no _Matthew thinks _Alfred is going to freak out!_ Matthew grabs a hand full of paper towel and wets it, pressing it against his face to get rid of the dirt and blood. Just as he is finishing up washing his hands, the bell rings again, signalling the end of the short break.

Matthew heads back to class with his head hung low, trying to hide the scratch on his face, should he walk by his brother. But lucky for Matthew, he did not, and makes it back to his class without further, except for the getting pushed around by the other students that are in a hurry to get to their classrooms.

when Matthew walks into his class, he situates himself back in the same corner near the paints where he curls in on himself to be as small as possible, hoping that if he is small enough and quiet enough, that he will turn invisible and be able to sit out for the duration of the day. Unfortunately, luck is not with Matthew, and after around five minutes of sitting there, he feels a large hand lay on his shoulder. He looks up and sees Ms. K looking at him with worried eyes.

"What is wrong Matvey?" she asks him delicately, as though she is afraid that her words could break him. " Why do you not want to play in the kitchen with the other children?" Matthew shrugs lightly, not wanting to speak, because he has noticed that he is the only student with a stuttering problem, which is only made worse by him being nervous. Ms. K frowns at the shrug, her brow furrowing lightly. "why don't you come and paint, you are good at art, da?" Matthew nods his head gently. Ms. K grabs hold of Matthews hand and helps him up, then leads him over to the art area.

Matthew gingerly picks up a paint brush, then looks up to Ms. K for approval. She smiles and nods, letting Matthew know that he is doing good. Matthew first puts the brush in the brown paint, creating the wide base of a tree, followed by the long twisting branches. He then dips it in the green, adding a few leaves here and there. Then he takes some green and mixes it with come white. Creating a lighter green, he ads a few leaves of this colour too.

Matthew turns around, noticing that the feeling of being watched is gone. He looks around the room and sees Ms. K on her computer at her desk across the room. Matthews lips twitch lightly into a little smile as he turns back to his art. He mixes just a little bit of orange and yellow into his green. He adds a few more leaves onto the tree, as well as putting some down at the base. Taking a step back Matthew admires his work. It's no Van Gogh, but it looks better then most fourth graders could paint. Ripping the painting off of the stand.

Matthew walks over to Ms. K's desk and places the painting next to her computer gently. She looks at the painting and gasps

"Matvey, this painting is amazing!" She says, pride flashing threw her eyes "how did you learn to paint like this?" Matthew, of course, just shrugs before turning around and walking back to the painting area.

Matthew spends the rest the block painting in his corner, until Ms. K calls them over to finish the Ugly Duckling before nap time. She finishes the story telling the students how the duckling was bullied, until he finally ran away. He returned to his family again though, and they were all astonished to see that he had turned into a lovely swan. Matthew felt a strong connection to the duckling. He likes that the story has a happy ending for the ugly duckling, who grew up to be the prettiest of them all. Matthew finds himself drifting off, thinking about the Duckling and how he over came everything that god threw at him, and came out on top, falling asleep with a smile on his face.

"Alright everyone" Ms. K's voice cuts into Matthews sleep "there is ten minutes until lunch, it's time to wake up" There is groaning all around them as the students all awaken from their naps. "now, children" Ms. K says as she turns on the lights " everyone go to your cubbyholes and grab your lunches and line up" she instructs "we will wait for the bell to ring, and you will eat your lunches in the lunch room"

All the children begin to rise from their spots on the carpet and rush towards their individual cubbyholes. As always, Matthew walks into the coat room slowly, not liking the hustle and bustle. He walks over to his backpack that is almost the same size as he is, and pulls out his lunch, a ham sandwich and a cut up apple, before joining all the other students in line.

The buzzer rings and all the student file out of the classroom into the hallway. The lunchroom is on the 2nd floor so in order to get there, the small students have to walk threw the crowded halls and up a flight of stairs. Along the way, Matthew has knocked over three times by larger students. When he walks into the crowded lunchroom, he sees that all of the spots are taken. He looks to the back corner of the room and sees a group of students have a picnic like thing going on because they have no spots.

Sighing, Matthew walks back out into the hallway, and in order to avoid the overpopulated lunchroom, eats his bathroom on the second floor boys bathroom. He pulls out his sandwich and takes a large bite, trying to ignore the smell of pee in the urinals next to him. After he finishes his sandwich, he moves onto his apples. The crunch fills the silent bathroom, and is the only sound other than the leaky tap that is across the room from him.

Matthew is just finishing his apples as the bell that signals that the eating portion is done and you are to go outside rings. Matthew is about to walk out of the bathroom when he hears heavy footsteps coming towards the bathroom, accompanied by a Russian accent. Matthew panics and ducks into the closest stall to him.

The Russian boy enters, along with two other boys, who are yet to be named. Matthew doesn't mean to be rude, but ends up eves dropping on their conversation.

"So Ivan, which teacher did you get stuck with this year?" This voice comes from the Cuban boy on Matthews class, how strange that he and the Russian would be friends.

"I Have Mr. Grayson, what about you Carlos, you are repeating kindergarten again, are you not?" says the Russian, Ivan.

_Ah_ Matthew realizes_ so he failed a grade or two._ With the witty comeback comes the laughter of Ivan and... Wait a minute. Matthew knows that loud and obnoxious laughter. But it couldn't be.

"So whose class are you in _Alfred_?" asks a Cuban voice, confirming to Matthew that it was in fact his brother, talking to the two other boys, though from the sound of Carlos' voice, they do not get along to well.

"Well" says Alfred's cocky voice "Unlike you i haven't been held back two years and I'm in Mrs. Clarts class" from the sounds of Alfred's voice, he doesn't like Carlos that much either. Carlos scoffs at Alfred and their conversation is muted to Matthews ears as they walk out of the bathroom.

Matthew steps off of the toilet that he was standing on and walks out of the stall, before taking a deep breath and walking out of the bathroom and outside.

Matthew spent the rest of his lunch sitting on the stairs out front of the school, with his backpack sitting next to him, since the kindergarteners get to go home after lunch. Matthew will be walking the three blocks to his house on Leaf lane. The streets around the school are all named after things in nature, there is even a Pine-Cone place.

The loud bell interrupts Matthews thinking. He stands up and begins walking home, not even looking back at the school as he walks away. Matthew would be lying if he said he liked walking home. He doesn't like it because he constantly feels as though he is being followed and watched. It might be because around two weeks ago his parents gave him the stranger danger talk. Unfortunately it had freaked him out and he was now super paranoid, looking over his shoulder every ten seconds the entire walk home.

When Matthew finally arrives home he feels safer and relieved. He walks into the living room where he sees his Dad, Arthur Kirkland, sitting on the sofa reading the paper and drinking a glass of orange pekoe tea. Matthew stands in the door frame for a moment before deciding to announce his presence.

"H-hi dad, I'm h-home from Sc-school" He says quietly, causing Arthur to look up for a moment, bewildered , before a disapproving look

"Alfred, you bloody twat" Alfred scolds in an English accent "What are you doing home at this hour? Its not even one!"

Matthew sighs, realizing that his father has mistaken him for his brother. Again.

"D-dad, I'm not A-Alfred, I'm M-Matthew." Matthew says tiredly as he watches confusion, then realization cross his fathers face.

"Crap, sorry about that lad." Arthur says apologetic "so how was your first day?"

"S'fine" Matthew mutters, barely audible. Somehow Arthur managed to understand him. And nods before returning to his paper.

Matthew slowly climbs the stairs of their two story house. He walks into his Canadian designed bedroom. He drops his bag in the corner of his bedroom before walking over to his twin sized bed. The bed is so high that in order for Matthew to get on it he actually has to climb. Once on his bed, Matthew lays his head on his pillow and falls asleep thinking about how horrible his day went.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two: Matthews P.O.V.

**The translations to french are all by google translate so please correct me if you find any mistakes :)**

**I do not own Hetalia, or Hannah Montana **

The sound of the door opening downstairs awakens me from my sleep. I rub my eyes as I strain my ears to listen to who has just arrived. I hear my brothers obnoxious laughter coming from downstairs (probably the kitchen).

I sit up on my bed, covering my mouth as i yawn widely. If Alfred is home then this means I have been asleep for at least three hours. I slide off of my bed, making a slight thump as my feet hit the ground, and walk over to my door.

I walk down the hallway and down the stairs, Alfred's voice getting louder as I move closer. I walk down the stairs and piece together that he is talking about how heroic he was today at school, when he protected a girl in his class from a villain. My brother Alfred has a hero complex, and it happens to be rather annoying. Especially when he is very focused on 'protecting' you.

I make my silent entrance into the kitchen, hoping that i will go unnoticed by my brother. Just as I am about to open the fridge i feel a familiar hand fall on my shoulder. My brother turns me around and pulls me into a hug.

"Hey Mattie, so how was your first day of school?" When I don't answer immediately, Alfred pulls back with a look of concern. Then a look of shock and horror. _Why is he so surprised?_ _Is there something on my... Crap._ It suddenly comes to mind that the left side of my face is scratched up from my... Encounter with Ivan.

"HOLY CRAP MATT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!" I shrink back slightly at the shout that erupted from my brothers mouth. After the main question is out of the way, his voice goes down a little more so he is no longer yelling. "Did someone do this to you Mattie? Who was it? Tell me so i can hurt them!" i shake my head no at all of his questions.

"I-I j-just fell d-down when p-playing at b-break, t-that's all A-Al" I lie quickly, he doesn't look like he's buying it...shoot. "H-hey w-want to go p-play some video g-games" I ask swiftly... well as swiftly as you can with a stutter. That seems to distract him, because he jumped up with a "hells yeah" and dragged me off into the living room, where we proceeded to play video games for an hour.

Time skip (two hours)

I hear the front door open, dragging my attention away from the television, where we are watching Hannah Montana (which Alfred insists was dads idea, even though he's not in the room) I sneak a peek into the main entrance and see Papa standing in the door way taking off his shoes.

I rush up from my spot on the couch next to Alfred and run to the front door. My foot catches on the carpet we have over the transition between the living room and entrance. This sends me stumbling, before getting caught by my Papa. I look up at him and smile as he lifts me into the air and walks into the living room and taking the empty spot on the couch where i was sitting previous. I wiggle around on his lap until i can get more comfortable and snuggle into his chest.

"So Matthew, common ca va a l'ecole?" My Papa asks me in french i shrug, but see that he wants more of an answer. "I-it was okay i g-guess" Papa gives me a look, obviously wondering about the scratch on my cheek, again i shrug, and he lets it go.

Papa shifts so that I am now sitting on the coach, and he is standing up. "Que voulons-nous tous pour diner ce soir?" he questions. Alfred gives him a confused look before yelling something about "dad speaking Spanish again" causing Papa to smack him upside the head, replying that he was speaking the 'language of love'.

I giggle a little at the playful banter, before shifting to my Papa. " J-je veux lasagne pour d-diner" I say quietly. Thankfully he is used to me talking quietly and smiles " That's a great idea Matthew!" Papa then proceeds to saunter out of the living room and into the kitchen, where i soon hear pans shifting and Papa humming to himself as he begins to cook.

Dad walks into the room and shakes his head, when he see's that the television is on Hannah Montana... and that Alfred is singing along to 'life's what you make it'. He walks over to Alfred and smacks him on the head, then snatches the remote from his hand. He changes the channel to the weather network and sits back in his chair, picking up 'pride and prejudice'. He insists that it is a good book, just based on the fact that it was written in England, his homeland.

Papa and dad met at a bar when they were 21, papa moved to America when he was18, for reasons that he won't tell me and Alfred. Dad moved to the states when he was sixteen for family reasons. The only one in our family that is actually from here is Alfred. He was born in the states two years before I was, in Seattle, close to the border.

I am legally Canadian due to the fact that my mom needed an emergency procedure in order for me to be born. She was brought over to Vancouver for an emergency c- section. I survived, but she died in the emergency room. Our father left us at an orphanage shorts after I was born. We were adopted by my Papa, Francis, and Dad, Arthur, when I was three years old and we have lived here in Salem, Oregon ever since.

Papa call out that dinner will be ready in ten minutes, so me and Alfred get up to set the table. I get the silverware and the napkins and Alfred grabs the plates. We set one of everything at all four spots and then sit in our spots on either side on the table. Dad walks into the dining room and takes his place at the head of the table.

Papa walks out with a casserole dish full of his famous meat lasagne, and a glass bowl full of salad. He sets them down in the middle of the table, then takes his spot at the other head of the table.

" Bon appetite!" Papa says, and that's all Alfred needs to hear, he takes a HUGE piece of lasagne and a little bit of salad on the side. Everyone else follows suit, taking food as they see fit. I take a small piece of lasagne and a large amount (for me) of salad. We eat in silence for a little while, except for alfred who is starting on his second piece of lasagne, and eating rather loudly. Just as he goes to lick some sauce off his nose, Dad decides to scold him.

"Good god boy! Use a napkin! And have more salad, you keep eating like that and you'll be a fat squid!" he cries, and although it's not loud, I jump, causing my knee to bump the table. I give out a little whimper and Papa looks at me. I shoot him a smile to show him I'm okay and he nods.

Papa rises from his spot at the table "well, this was a nice family meal! Alfred, Matthew? Can you help moi clear Le table?" we nod and grab the dirty dishes, stacking them as high as we need to in our arms in order to only have to make one trip. We put all the dishes in the sink and head back towards the living room.

We are about to walk into the living room when Dad calls to us. "Alfred, Marshall, come here for a moment lads." I sigh as Dad has forgotten my name AGAIN. We walk into the dining room and see them sitting back at the table. Papa gestures for us to take a seat.

"we're in trouble~ " Alfred says quietly to which Dad said "your not in trouble, you twat, just get in here and take a bloody seat!" I walk to my seat quietly and hop onto the chair, brushing my hair out of my face. Alfred walks over to his chair and drags it out roughly, causing it to scrape loudly against the floor

"so?" Papa prods "so what?" asks Alfred confused as to what we are talking about. Papa gives him a look. "so, how was your first day of school?" Alfred grins widely. "aw today was great man! I hung out with Ivan at lunch!" that name of the Russian boy sends a chill up my spine, but nobody notices and Alfred continues. "and i got to be a total hero and save Ashley, a girl in my class, from that commie idiot Carlos!" Dad shoots Alfred a look when he says this, but Alfred ignores it and keeps on going. "but then Ivan said that we should all become one with him, so Carlos hung with us at lunch too!" Alfred continues to blather on about how great today was, and how he was excited because they were gonna have football as a subject in gym, and that there were actual desks in his class.

After about another 15 minutes of Alfred talking about his day, Papa interrupts him. "So Matthew, how was your day?" I am a little uncomfortable having everyone at the table stare at me.

"U-um, W-well, M-my teacher w-was really n-nice" I say quietly, hoping that they won't prod me any further, unfortunately, luck is not on my side today.

"Is that all? It's fine, you can take your time to answer, mon cherie" Papa says to me gently, knowing that i will be more likely to answer him if he encourages me. "Uh, I made a p-painting, my t-teacher liked it" i smile softly at them, so they know I'm done speaking. We all sit there in silence for a moment, until Dad dismisses us from the table.

Alfred sprints into the living room calling dibs on the television, so he can play video games. I walk upstairs to my room, closing the door behind me. I look at my alarm clock, it's only 7:30, so i don't have to go to bed for another half hour. I crawl under my blankets and grab my favourite book

'black beauty' from my bedside table and begin to read.

I don't even realize what time it is until Papa comes into my room telling me it's lights out, and tucking me in. He kisses my forehead and murmurs to me "bon soir, and good dreams mon petite Matthew" before slipping out my bedroom door, closing it behind himself.

I snuggle deeper into my blankets and close my eyes, watching as the coloured patterns dance across my eyelids. I have always found this soothing and find myself drifting to sleep.

_Why can't I see? I can't see anything, it's so dark! My feet carry me forward as I run as fast as my body will allow me. The dark is beginning to rise around me, like a fog lifting, and I begin to be able to make out shapes. _

_ Why am I running? I turn my head to look behind me, and see a purple aura chasing after me, catching up to me with every moment passing. I turn my head back in the direction that I am running. I don't know why, but I feel that this is a hopeless. My legs begin to ache from running, but i can't stop, even though I am in pain._

_ I feel a hand grab my clothing, throwing me to the ground. The aura floats over and sits on me. The weight is almost unbearable and I start to choke. The aura chants menacingly at me "kolkolkolkolkol!" over and over again. It's so loud it is giving me a headache. _

_ Suddenly a bright light shines above me, and I hear it calling my name. From the light, Emerges a figure. A boy, around my age, comes charging at the light, a sword in hand. I try and yell at him to run, but he doesn't hear me. My screams are drowned out by the chanting from the aura._

_ The boy has white hair, and piercing red eyes. I watch him as he strikes the the aura multiple times with his sword. The aura becomes infuriated with him and reaches out with sharp claws. I scream in warning at the boy, but my screams fall on death ears, and I am forced to watch, as the boy who tried to save me is torn in half. I start crying and screaming for help as the aura turns its attention back to me._

_ The ground starts to tremble, I hear someone calling my name. Papa? And Alfred? I look at the aura and see it slowly fading away, disintegrating into thin air. The picture of darkness around me begins to blur as the nothing and everything around me fades away. I feel myself bieng pulled back into the land of the waking._

"shh Matthew, it's okay, your fine" i hear my Papa murmuring in my ear. I feel that my body is being held, and that I am sitting up. My face is soaking wet from all my tears, and my nose is running like mad.

From beside me I can hear Alfred trying to reassure me that the hero was there, so I had nothing to be afraid of, because he could defeat any monster. But I'm not crying because of the monster. I am crying at the death of the boy in my dream, who I felt like I have known my entire life. Even though i have never seen him once.

Eventually my crying stops. Alfred is sent back to bed, but Papa stays with me, rockign me gently, until i fall back into a restless sleep

** finally! The chapter is ova! Sorry it took me so long to come out with it, I was just having a hard time figuring out what to do! Soooo... um please review and whatnot, because it makes me happy :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 :)

** I just want to say that i really appreciate the great reviews 3 i would also like to mention that the schooling system that Matthew is in is elementary school, grades kindergarten to grade 5, Middle school, grades 6 to 8, and High school, grades 9 to 12. enjoy the chapter :) I don't own Hetalia or the Wii, If i did i would be screaming.**

I have been in kindergarten for two months now. I have been having night terrors almost every night. Ivan enjoys picking on me, he will shove me when he sees me in the hallway, and enjoys scaring me. Carlos sometimes shoves me too. I have been hiding my problems from my parents and Alfred. I don't want them to know whats going on.

I spend every lunch and break alone in the bathroom, and when I walk back to my class i get shoved into walls and pushed down a lot. People don't do it on purpose, they just don't see me. When i am seen, most people think I'm my brother, but that doesn't bother me, I'm used to it by now.

The nightmares have been continuing every night, so I find myself being afraid to go to sleep. I don't like the fact that I haven't had any good dreams in two months, not just because of the fear and lack of sleep, but because Papa and Alfred are constantly being woken up by me.

I have learned a lot about the people around me, just my watching. Carlos, doesn't like Alfred at all. I think that the only reason why they are even friends is because of Ivan, because whenever Ivan isn't at school, they don't seem to play together.

I also learned that Ms. K is Ivan's older sister. This confuses me, because Ms. K is so nice and friendly, and Ivan is so evil and mean. Well I can't say he's evil, he doesn't try to destroy the world or anything, but he does go out of his was to make me hurt. Physically and emotionally.

As a general rule, I go straight home from school, but some days I walk to the park around five minutes from my house. Dad doesn't notice when I don't show up until later, but I always makes sure to get home before Papa comes home from work. He is the only one who almost always seems to remember me, and sees me consistently, even through my invisibility.

Sometimes, I can sit out the whole a whole day at school. All I have to do is sit in the corner of the room, like I did on that first day, and try to not be seen. I think Ms. K knows that there is something wrong , because when she can see me, she asks me if I am okay and how everything is going for me. Generally I will just stutter out a response that dodges hes question. At first she tried to get more out of me, but after about two weeks, I can see that she doesn't see the point.

The one good thing that comes out of it being my second month of school, is that winter is coming. I have always loved the winter, I love the crisp white snow on the ground, the hot chocolate that Papa makes on especially cold days, but most of all. I love Hockey. I have always loved to watch hockey, and sometimes, we will go to the skate rink and me and Alfred will play against each other. I am really excited because Papa promised me that He would put me in a hockey camp over winter break, because now I'm 6.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oTIME SKIP, ONE MONTHo0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o

I am so excited, I looked it up online and today is the first day of the camp that Papa promised to sign me up for. The skate rink is only ten minutes from our house, so I will be walking there, since Papa and Dad are both at work.

As I pack my lunch I am practically bouncing with excitement. I pack a PB and J for lunch, and a granola bar for a snack. I sling my bag over my shoulder and head out the door. This is probably the happiest I have been since starting school.

The wind picks up when i am about half way through my walk there, making my chin length hair and my scarf whip against my face violently. I pick up the pace i am walking at, hoping to get inside and warm faster.

When i finally arrive at the rink the warm air in the waiting area is like heaven on my now bright pink face. I get in the line that you wait in to get your skates and to sign yourself in. That's when i see that standing two spots in front of me in line is Ivan. I suck in a deep breath, now fearing for my life, because if i get on the ice with Ivan, I will surely be killed.

Soon it's my turn, I walk up to the front desk shyly. "E-excuse me?" the man working the front desk looks down at me and smiles gently. " what's your name?" he asks nicely, pulling out the camp list. He looks at me expectantly. "M-Matthew Bonnefoy-Kirkland-W-Williams" I whisper he leans in to hear me better and nods, looking down the list.

A frown tugs at his mouth as he looks back down at me. "sorry kid" he says, his voice full of pity. "your not on the list" what? What does he mean not on the list? This means Papa forgot.

I feel my bottom lip begin to tremble and I try to hold back my tears of disapointment. I look up so i can see where I'm going and find Ivan standing right in front of me, staring me down. "aw, Matvey did not get in, da?" he questions me, when I don't answer an evil grin spreads across his face.

He walks past me, shoving me down to the ground, where I land with a thud.

I can feel my eyes start to prick with tears and my throat feels as though someone is stabbing me when I try to swallow the sob that is trying to some up my throat. I raise myself off the ground and walk out of the building. The tears begin to rush down my face as I run home.

When i get there, I burst threw the front door, closing it behind me and run up to my bedroom where i cry my eyes out. Papa forgot to sign me up! He broke his promise! These are the thoughts running threw my head as I berry my face in my pillow and weep.

Eventually exhaustion kicks in and I fall into a restless sleep.

_I am standing in my living room, watching my family chatter and laugh as they watch some Japanese game show. I walk into the living room and sit on the floor, but when i turn and look at the TV it gets turned off._

_ I turn and look at Dad as he puts down the remote. "well Alfred, It's about time we set the table for dinner, come on lad" he says happily. That's odd, normally it's me and Alfred's job to set the table. I stand up and walk into the dining room, and notice that the table is only set for three._

_ I walk into the kitchen and see Papa loading up his arms with a pot of soup in one and a bowl of salad in the other. I clear my throat to get his attention, but he keeps on walking. I step in front of __him and wave, but he stairs right through me and continues walking._

_ And then it happens. He walks right through me. I freeze in shock as he continues walking into the dining room, placing his armfuls of food on the table, then taking his spot at the head of the table. I walk into the dining room and take my usual seat as well. They begin to talk and Alfred tells them about his day._

_ "Papa, D-dad?" i say quietly, trying to get their attention, they just continue to talk over me, so I try again, only louder. "Papa, Dad, Alfred?" they continue to talk, I can feel myself getting upset and frustrated. "Dad! Papa, L-listen to me!" they just continue to talk. "your the best son ever" I hear dad say to Alfred, I feel a stabbing pain close to my heart. _

_ "Oui, the best we could have asked for, we are so lucky to have you as our only son!" I feel my heart shatter in my chest, and my eyes water. I clench at my chest. It hurts being forgotten by my own family._

I shoot up in bed, tears streaming down my face. I wipe at my eyes vigorously, trying to get the crying to stop. I sniffle a lot and wipe my nose with the sleeve of the coat that I forgot to take off before going to bed. I look at my clock and see that it's four o'clock. I've been asleep for seven hours, that explains why I feel so groggy.

I slide myself off my bed and patter out of my room and into the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see that my hair is a rats nest. I run my fingers through it, trying to tame it. It calms down for the most part, But there is this one annoying curl with a loop in it that sticks straight out of my head. I try to cut it, but for some strange reason, it actually hurts, a lot.

Papa's words ring threw my skull, causing my chest to ache. I brush off the feeling and go downstairs to make some 'lunch'. Papa will be home in three hours, which means that dinner with be in about four. I make myself some toast and smother it with maple syrup. Alfred thinks it's gross, but it tastes amazing to me.

I take my plate to the living room, where Alfred is sitting playing video games. Look at the screen and see that he is playing Mario cart on the Wii. He looks over at me when I sit down, and makes a face when he sees what I'm eating. I stick my tongue out at him and we both start smiling.

He pauses his game and holds a controller out to me. "wanna play?" I take the controller from him and he grins his huge grin. "S-sure, as long as I can b-be toad." he nods and I sit next to him on the floor. He sets it to 2 players and picks a map.

"haha, better get ready to eat my dust Mattie" He threatens me "not in a million year Al" i say quietly, as we rev our engines. When the race starts i easily pull into the lead, using boosters and short cuts. I stay in the lead with Alfred right behind me. Suddenly Alfred starts to laugh menacingly and i feel worry grow in the pit of my stomach. I can see the finish line, when suddenly Alfred attacks me with a blue shell, and pulling in front of me.

When Alfred wins the race he stands up and does a victory dance. I punch his arm and he pretends to be hurt. He pushes me over and we wrestle on the floor for a few minutes, laughing. It's moments like this that I remember that there are people who can see me and care about me.

When we sit up i look at Al and he looks back at me. His hair is standing straight up and his cowlick is knotted. I guess my hair must look just as bad because Alfred looses his mind laughing. I join in with his laughing and soon we're gasping for breath and clutching our sides.

We continue playing video games for another hour, when Dad gets home though, he makes us stop so he can watch the news. I go back up to my room and read for a little while. I don't feel like being around him right now. He can't even remember what my name is most of the time, and today I don't think I could handle being called 'Marshal' or 'Mitch'.

By the time it is seven, I have finished 'Black beauty' and have started reading a new book. I have always loved reading, and I read above my grade level by almost three years. Ivan calls me a nerd.

I hear the front door open downstairs, and Papa walks in the door. Normally I would rush downstairs to greet him, but not today. I am really disappointed that he forgot about my camp. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and there is a soft knock on my door. I stay silent and the door creeks open.

"so mon petite Matthew, how was your hockey camp?" Papa asks me, walking into my room and sitting on the edge of my bed. When I don't answer he continues to talk. "you weren't downstairs when i got ho, so I came to check on you cheri" Again no answer. " Are you alright, repondez-moi!"

I shake my head, and he sighs. "Le diner sera pret dans une demi-heur, come down when you are ready."

With that he stands and walks out of my room, closing the door behind him. He doesn't even know that he forgot! I find myself beginning to tremble with anger. When I notice this I take a deep breath. Getting upset won't fix this. I take another breath to steady myself.

Standing from my bed I walk over to my dresser. Sitting on it there is a picture. In the Picture is a woman, with wavy bright blonde hair with a cowlick sticking straight out of her head, and the most beautiful violet eyes. In the picture she is heavily pregnant, probably eight months, And on her lap is a little boy, about two years old, with the same bright hair and cowlick, and bright blue eyes.

This is the only picture that there is with me and Alfred and our mother. Sometimes I look at it and think of the woman that she would be. She would be kind, I can tell that by her smile. And I don't think that she would ever forget about me. She would be energetic and would always show love and affection. That is the kind of woman that my mother would be.

Thinking about her makes me feel better. I no longer feel angry at my Papa for forgetting, it was probably partially my fault anyways, for not reminding him. With that thought I walk downstairs for dinner, not upset anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

** Heyy! next chapter is done! Sorry if it seems like this is going really fast, i just kinda wanted to get to the fun stuff! anyway, enjoy! :)**

As time passed, Matthews problems escalated. His nightmares ceased after the third grade . Although Ivan was no longer in the same school as him after second grade, Carlos was. As he got into middle school carlos had been in his class every year, tormenting him both physically and emotionally.

When they hit eighth grade Carlos had begun to touch Matthew in ways that made him feel wrong and uncomfortable, as well as hitting and abusing him. This continued through eighth to tenth grade.

When Matthew was in the middle of ninth grade, he accidentally cut himself on one of his papa's razors while in the shower. He discovered that he felt great release when he would drag a razor across his skin. It made him feel alive and reminded him that he was still there.

His family didn't notice that he was depressed, or the fact that he now only wears baggy sweaters while in the company of others. He is still invisible to everyone around him, except for Carlos, and on occasion his brother and fathers.

Matthew is now starting the 11th grade and his depression is taking a turn for the worst. He thinks about ending his own life constantly and has taken to locking himself up in his room, only leaving for school and food. Matthew is all alone.

**switch to Matthews point of view**

*beep beep beep * I fling my hand across my body and hit my alarm clock, causing the irritating beeping to stop filling my bedroom. I sit up and slide off of my bed, my feet hitting the floor with a thump. Great. Today is the first day of school. I slowly make my way across my messy bedroom and turn on the lights. I am momentarily blind as my eyes adjust to the light.

I walk back over to my bedside table and grab my glasses. I grab some baggy blue jeans and my red hoodie, then walk out into the hall closet and grab a towel. As I make my way towards the bathroom, I hear Alfred's snores from the room at the end of the hall. I walk into the bathroom and close the door behind me, placing my towel and clothing on the toilet. I look at myself in the mirror.

Chin length wavy blonde hair, that frames my slender face. Violet eyes that are hidden behind my glasses. I am by no means buff, like my older brother Alfred, but i am not weak. Alfred and I look nothing alike, but people still manage to think I'm him at school but he graduated last year, so maybe that will stop.

I turn away from the mirror and start the shower, making it so hot that steam begins to form as the water hits the floor. I strip down to my boxers and step in the shower, the water burns at first but after a moment it feels nice. I look down at my arms and sigh. The scars and scabs that criss-cross down my arms are stinging slightly in hot water of the shower. I grab a wash cloth and start to scrub at the cuts. The scabs begin to fall off and the start to bleed as I wash them. The older scabs hurt slightly as they fall off and wash down the drain.

I climb out of the shower when i feel the water start to get cold. I reach under the sing and pull out a worn first aid kit. From it I take disinfectant and bandages. I rub the disinfectant on the cuts, wincing slightly because it burns, and then wrap them in the pristine white bandages. I shrug into my hoodie and slide on my new boxers and jeans.

Walking back out into the hallway, I toss my clothing into my bedroom as I walk by, and make my way downstairs to make breakfast. Normally I would make pancakes for breakfast, but today I feel to lazy. So instead I pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit at the table. As I am finishing my breakfast, Alfred stumbles down the stairs and walks over to the fridge.

"Morning Al" I say quietly, all i get is a grunt in response as he digs through the freezer and pulls out a giant tub of ice cream. He then walks out of the room and into the living room. Yep just the every day morning in the Bonnefoy-Kirkland house hold.

I walk over to the front door and grab my backpack, before walking out the door and to the bus stop down the road. There are three other people at the bus stop, so atleast I know that the bus won't just drive by like it sometimes does. When the bus pulls up and opens the door, i just walk on without paying, and the bus driver doesn't even blink an eye. I take a seat at the back of the bus, next to a homeless guy, and wait for the bus to get to the stop closes to my school.

After fifteen minutes of smelling homeless stink, the bus pulls over and I get off. I walk for three minutes before i arrive at the school yard. The bell isn't set to ring for another ten minutes or so, so I walk into the school and down the hallways, to my locker.

My locker is probably in the most remote corner of the school, so no other kids choose to have their lockers down here, So i am very surprised to see that there is a lock on one of the lockers, three down from mine. Huh, must be a last minute transfer.

I cram my bag into my locker and begin to walk down to the gym, where the welcome assembly is held every year. The bell rings as i am arriving and I hear voices begin to file down the hall towards the gym. The principal opens the gym doors and i walk in ahead of all the other students. I walk to the back corner of the gym and seat myself down before I put my noise cancelling headphones in my ears and crank up my music.

I watch all the other student file into the gym and take their seats. I stare at them as they chatter with their friends. I see several familiar faces, Carlos, the Italian twins, The Japanese boy and a couple of classmates, that i don't know the names of. There are also a lot of new faces. There is a bunch of younger ninth graders, and a few new kids that aren't younger, like the tall blonde boy that is walking next to... A teacher? He looks young, but his silver hair makes me think otherwise.

Whatever, just more people that will ignore me and run into me in the halls.

Once everyone is seated in the gym, the principal calls silence, and explains the way the the class schedules work to the new students. Essentially, you line up according to grade and they hand you a random schedule, not taking into account your personal preferences. Last year, I had been lucky enough to get french as my 'elective' language.

When the assembly is over we stand and get into our lines. I notice that Carlos goes into the grade twelve line,which means he actually passed summer school. I also notice that the silver haired man leaves his spot next to the blonde to join the grade eleven line, while the blonde, who looks like he could be nineteen, goes and stands in the tenth grade line.

As I get closer and closer to the front of the line, i begin to dread what my courses may be. Finally i reach the front of the line and grab my schedule from the teachers hands. We have six blocks on the day, Monday to Wednesday, we have them 1,2,3,4,5,6 and on Thursdays and Fridays we have them 4,5,6,1,2,3.

my classes are, 1 Math 11, 2 Earth science 11, 3 and 4, double P.E 11 12 split, 5 free period, and 6... German language? I don't know any German! Great, now I can learn how to say hello in the most crude language ever. I sigh to myself gently before i make my way to my second block.

On my way there several people push me over in the halls. After being pushed over for probably the fifth time on the short walk, i finally make it to the earth science room. I am perfectly good at science, so i am happy about this class, because not only to i find science easy, the teacher is sleepy man from Greece, that will give an assignment, then proceed to fall asleep at his desk. I take a seat at the very back of the class, near a window and lean back in my chair, closing my eyes.

"hey, this seat taken?" I snap my eyes open and see the boy with the silver hair standing in front of me, looking at me impatiently. He has bright red eyes that make me shift under his gaze. I look around and see that all the other seats in the class are taken. I shake my head, telling him he can sit, and he does. The teacher stands up and introduces himself, then asks us to go around and do the same.

When it finally comes to what is supposed to be my turn, the teacher points at the silver haired boy, skipping right over me. The boy stands up and introduces himself.

"hey losers, my name is the awesomeness Gilbert Beilschmidt, and you can do yourselves a favour and bow down to the awesome" and with that he sits down. Some of the kids in the class shake their heads, others snicker, but we all know that he is going to be a trouble maker.

The teacher points to the next student, and Gilbert looks kinda pissed, when I am about to ask him what's wrong, just to be polite, when he stands up again.

"HEY, TEACHER GUY!" the whole class looks over at Gilbert. "you forgot this kid!" he says loudly, pointing at me. Everyone looks at Gilbert like he's crazy, obviously not seeing what he is talking about. The class is silent until the teacher speaks up.

"Gilbert, that seat is empty, now please quiet down" the teacher says lazily. "what do you mean empty!" Gilbert says, frustrated. "there is a kid sitting right there" he gestures at me wildly, but they still don't see. "I hate to do this on the first day, but Gilbert, i think it would be best if you went to see the nurse, then stayed for detention after school" Gilbert stands from his spot and storms from the room, muttering about not being crazy.

I can't believe what just happened. Not only did he see me, he argued that i was there. This is probably the first time anything like that has ever happened. Ever. I find myself curious as to how he could see me with such ease. I ponder this fact for the rest of the block, and before i know i have my next block.

As it turns out, Gilbert is also shares free period and German with me. Gilbert moved here from Germany with his brother, the tall blonde. I like his accent, it's German, but it doesn't sound to harsh. He is also a self proclaimed Prussian. I learnt all of this from listening to him chatter to Antonio, the Spanish boy in free block.

It seems like today lasted forever, but it is finally over. I walk home, instead of taking the bus, so it takes me an hour and a half to walk home. I spend most of the time zoned out on nothing, and just making sure i don't get lost.

Today could have been worse. No one mistook me for my brother, Carlos is in a different grade then me, and someone actually noticed me. Yep, way to see the brighter side Matthew.

I walk onto my street and see that Alfred's car is in the driveway. This is strange because since the begining of this past summer, he has been working nine to five at the local coffee shop. Right now it's only four thirty. I walk up the driveway and into the house and see Alfred sitting on the couch.

"Mattie? That you?" Alfred calls loudly, I walk into the living room and Alfred gestures for me to go and sit next to him. He looks at me sadly, his eyes watering. "What Alfred? What is it?" I'm really worried now, Alfred only cries when he's really upset, or really scared, but don't tell him a told you that.

He leans forwards, wrapping his arms around me. "It's Papa, Mattie! He got shot!"

**ohhh, cliff hanger! sorry if it"s not that good! And that the chapter is short, i just wanted to end it there! ummm, please review and such, any and all criticism is good, so please, be nasty if you think I need it!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Yeah! Next chapter done! My friend hates me for this chapter, but hey, I'm a jerk! Sorry about any OOCness, i just started writing and let it go where it wanted... Enjoy! :)**

I feel my whole body go ridged as Alfred sobs into my shoulder... Papa was shot? For some reason my body can't understand what is being said to me. I pat Alfred's back soothingly while he clings to me, telling me in between sobs what happened.

"Papa... was at... the bank... the hospital... couldn't save him!" Alfred starts to hiccup into my soaking wet shoulder. My brain slowly begins to process the information. Papa was shot in a bank robbery. It was fatal. Papa is dead.

Slowly my shoulder begin to sink and I feel my eyes begin to water as i cling to Alfred. He seems to have calmed down a bit, because he rubs calm circles in my back while i sob into his shirt. We stay like that for a while until I straighten up and walk out of the room. He doesn't question my actions, he knows that i need to be alone.

I walk up the stairs and into the washroom. I go into the medicine cabinet and grab one of dad anti-depressants, then walk over and turn on the shower. I take the anti-depressant and grab my razor blade from under the sink.

I strip down, taking off the bandages from this morning and step in the shower. I turn the water up hot enough that it practically scalds my skin, then sit down, letting the water wash over my body, setting me on fire. Tears begin to leak out of my eyes and run down my face, mixing with the water from the shower, making my face tingle.

I fiddle with the razor in my hand. I always feel guilty when i cut, but i don't know why. Maybe it's because it makes me think about the fact that i am disappointing those who care about me. But that can't be it now because the only one who ever truthfully cared about me is dead. I shrug off the feeling of guilt and bring the razor to my skin.

The relief is almost instant. I glide the razor across my wrist, careful not to cut to deep. I wince as i go over my scabs, the resistance making me feel almost nauseous. I do this repeatedly on both wrists,, the guilt and pain and suffering all leaking out with my blood. I look down at the water that has started to pool around me and see that is is red. Tainted with my blood.

The water pressure in the shower begins to falter and the water starts to get cold, telling me that i have been in the shower for to long. I get out of the shower, dripping all over the floor. I leave the shower running while i clean and wrap my cuts, only turning it off after i am dressed again, so all the blood is washed away.

I walk down the hall into my bedroom, closing the door behind me and not turning on the light. I face-plant on my bed and curl up into a ball, pulling Kuma close to my chest as i fall asleep.

I dream of death.

_ You are standing on a stormy beach. When you look around you see you family standing far away from you. You try to run to them but find that you cannot control your body. You feel a sudden liveliness flow through your body like some kind of adrenaline rush, as your body finally moves towards your family._

_ As you get closer and closer to them you see that they are covered in blood. Their own blood. They are bound and gagged and all tied to stakes. They seem to tremble as you get closer. You feel a smile playing on your lips, not a happy smile, a menacing smile as you watch your family tremble in terror._

_ As you walk towards your brother and when you reach him, you caress his face with your hand. He whimpers and you pull your hand away, then you begin to beat him. In your mind you scream at your self to stop, that you don't want to do this. Then, just as your brother is about to loose consciousness, you lift his face up. Looking straight in his eyes as you reach behind you and pull out a pistol. You watch him beg for his life, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. You look into his vibrant blue eyes that are no longer filled with joy. You pull the trigger and watch all of the colour drain from his face. His now dead eyes, boring holes into your soul._

_ "Matthew!" you turn around, you recognize the voice, but the reason is foggy, like an old memory. You can't see the person that called to you. "Matthew!" you look down and see you young boy, maybe seven years old, peering up at you. He has silver hair and piercing red eyes._

_ "Matthew, stop this! Wake up!" he grabs your leg and shakes you. "wake up Matthew! Wake up!" his voice slowly becomes deeper and deeper, and begins to turn into your brothers pleading voice_

"Matthew! Wake up!" I feel someone shaking shaking me as i jolt awake, my eyes searching violently_. _Instead of the red eyes I'm searching for, i find my brothers, worried blue ones. My throat feels raw. I bring my hands to my throat and i hear Alfred sigh. "you were screaming, loud enough that you woke me up"

I nod slowly. That would make sense. I look over to the clock and see that it's around seven. I begin to shift to get up, but Al pushes me down. "your not going to school today" I look at him, his eyes are serious. I tilt my head to ask why. "we have to do some... Arrangements this week, Dad thought you would want to be here" Oh. That's right. Funeral arrangements. I feel myself shudder at the thought and Alfred pulls me into a tight embrace.

"I know this must be hard for you Mattie, you were closer to him then anyone" he pats me on the shoulder and stands from my bed. "well, dad is making breakfast this morning... so I'm gonna run to Mcdonalds, want me to get you something?" I nod my head wildly, dads cooking sucks balls. "Mkay, I'll get you three bacon cheesies!" doesn't matter how many he gets me, anything i don't eat he will. And i think he knows that too. So with that, he walks from my room

I lay back down int my bed. I'm tired, but there is no way i can get back to sleep. So instead i lay on my side and stare out the window, not really thinking and not, not thinking. (_if that makes any sense_)

I can't believe he's gone. He was one of the biggest parts of my life. He remembered me, for the most part. He raised me! And now he's just gone. Just like that. Poof! Dead! I close my eyes and I can see him, see him smiling at me and telling me that he's proud of me. That he loves me, and remembers me.

I feel tears forcing their way out of my eyes and dripping onto my pillow. I would open my eyes, but i know that my vision will be blurred. Besides, why turn to reality, when imagination is like the sweetest drug there is. Giving you memories and dreams, faces and places. Although sleep eludes me, my imagination does not. It gives me just the escape that i need right now.

Yes. For now, escaping into the depths of my mind will work. But what about later? I could draw. That always made me feel calm. I could exercise, everyone says that exercise is a great way of escape. But not great enough. No. I know that it is going to come..it. That I will find myself, bleeding in the bathroom, just as I have been doing for what feels like centuries.

I feel myself pout. As of December, I will have been doing this for... two years? Yes that sounds about right. Wow, I truthfully am pathetic. But... it feels so good, I just can't stop myself, Its become like an instinct. Punched? Cut yourself. Bumped into? Cut. Ignored? _Cut. _Forgotten? _**Cut!**_ Cut, cut, **CUT**! It seems to me my answer for everything these days

But there is another option. I could just.. End it. With a razor, Or with drugs. There are some pretty tall building around here. The options are endless, really. NO! I can't be thinking like this, I can't leave my family. Not now.

The door opens downstairs and i hear Alfred yelling to dad as he walks into the house. Thumping up the stairs and down the hallway. A knock on my door, followed by it opening. Alfred slides into my room as i sit up on my bed. Looking over at the clock i see it's nine. Holy crap! What took Alfred so long?

" I had to drive into town to grab some papers, and dads dry cleaning" Alfred says, sitting down on my bed next to me. He reaches into the paper bag pulls out nine burgers. Handing me three, he takes the other six and proceeds to cram him mouth full. I can't look at him while he eats, and needless to say, i need to wash my bedding now. And vacuum the floor. He is such a messy eater.

Part of me wonders how Alfred would react if he knew that I cut, But i know that he can never find out. If he did, I think I'd die. Probably not physically, since he'd probably be watching me constantly, but physically. I would die inside, knowing that i had disappointed him in such a grand way. He always tried his best to protect me, saying that i was the victim, and that he would always be there to save me.

But I can't be saved. It's to late for that.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o Time skip o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o

"come on Mattie! You have to eat!" Alfred bangs on my door constantly, unable to open in due to the barricade I constructed this morning, in an effort to keep him out.

It's been a week since the funeral, and i haven't left my room since.(excluding Bathroom trips, becuase my showers are very important to me) Alfred sounds worried, and that upsets me, but i don't want to leave. Can't he understand that there is nothing out there for me? I'm not missed at school, so why does it matter.

"Matthew, If you do not open this door right now, i will bust it down myself!" Alfred sounds serious. And angry. I don't open the door, instead, i sit there and watch as my door shudders under Alfred beatings. And there goes my barricade. And my door. Hey look it's Alfred, and he doesn't look happy.

For a moment he just stands there, staring at me. I know what he sees. My body is thin and frail from not eating for days, my hair is clean, but in a mess on top of my head. My cheeks are tear stained from the near constant crying. My eyes, dead, full of nothing but sorrow.

The scowl slowly melts off Alfred's face as he takes in my condition. He walks over to my bed and picks me up, I cringe slightly when my arms bump him as he carries me bridal style down the hall, down the stairs and into the dining room where he sits me at the table. He leaves into the kitchen for a few minutes, before coming out with a plate of toaster waffles, covered in maple syrup..

Placing the plate in front of me, Alfred hands me a fork, then goes and sits across from me. When i dont move he glares at me. "Eat Matthew" I still don't move. "GOD DAMN IT! Matthew please just do something other then sitting there!" he begins to shudder and I can see that he is going to start crying soon. "Matthew, please, please eat. I can't lose you too! I can't" his shoulders start to sag and i can see that he is crying. Sighing, i cut off a piece of waffle and put it in my mouth.

The waffle is a little burnt, but the sweetness from the syrup makes up for that ten fold. It tastes great. But i guess beansprouts would taste great when you haven't eaten in days. He looks up at me, his eyes shining "thanks Matt!" he says, standing from the table as i finish eating. He walks over to me and grabs my plate, then goes and puts it in the sink.

I look over to the clock on the wall and see that it's noon. Weird, It doesn't feel like mid day. Well it is Saturday, which is why Alfred isn't at work. Dad would normally be home, but he's been working a lot of overtime lately. Alfred says that it's because he has to pay off the funeral costs, put I think that it's because being home reminds him of papa.

"So Matthew" Alfred says slowly, standing in the door frame between the kitchen and dining room. "Me and dad think that you should return to school on Monday." at first i dont really like the sounds of it, but then it sounds like a great idea. If i go back to school, they'll stop worrying about me, and if they stop worrying, then they'll stop bothering me about getting out more. I nod slowly to Alfred, Agreeing with what he's saying. Yes i will go back to school on Monday, and I will be allowed to spend the afternoons however i like, which will most likely be in my bedroom. Alone. Where i can wallow in peace.

And so, it was decided that i would return to school on monday.

**yay! back to school time! HEY GUYS DONT SKIP THIS! I want everyone who reads this chapter to review, doesn't matter if it's anonomas. anonymous? whatever, you get the point! i want any and all critisim you have! maybe even suggestions! if i like your review, i may even dedicate the next chapter to you! :) so please review :) :) :) IM OUT!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Omg chapter 6, i am so sorry that this took so long, but i just started school again and it completely slipped my mind! Also thanks for all the amazing reviews, someone asked for me to show how Arthur was feeling about the whole Francis thing, so there will be a short little part on Arthur aswell (sorry if it sucks, i ain't ever written him before)**

**Also, i would like to give a little shout out to doodlekiss, your writing is amahzing. **

**3**

**and so it begins**

Rainbows: chapter 6

"Mattie, get up" My shoulder is being shaken, the voice sounds familiar, but my sleepy mind can't put a name to it. "come on you lazy little unheroic turd! Get UP!" oh, now I know who it is. I flip Alfred the bird, and he pulls the covers off my bed.

A shiver flies up my spine, and I curl in on myself. I grab for the blankets, but they have been flung from my bed. A crushing weight pushes down my body and my eyes shoot open.

"gah, A-Alfre-ed i can't breeeeath!" The weight gets lighter and i gasp for air. "come on Mattie, its time for schoooooool!" ugh, that's right, Today is Monday. I have to go to school today. Ugh. "dad made breakfast for you, so i took the liberty of bringing you a burger" he hands me a mushed burger from his back pocket.

I shy away from it. Not eating at all is better then eating ass burger, or fried garbage. Alfred walks over to my door. "twenty minutes before you have to leave man" and with that he closes the door. I stand from my bed and all the blood rushes. I stumble for a second as i walk to my door, then i walked down to the bathroom.

Opening the bathroom door I walk in and sit on the toilet, rubbing my eyes. I roll up my sleeves and open the cupboard, feeling along the underside of the sink. To the right a little and about three inches toward the right i feel my hand slide against some tape. I pull on the tape and my razor falls into my hands.

Just once. But it ends up as six. On either wrist. Crap, this really needs to stop. Before i know it I'm wrapping my arms with twelve new cuts on either side. I walk out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, and get changed into my signature red hoody and baggy jeans. Being careful not to rub my arms as i slide them into the sleeves.

Walking downstairs the entire house is smokey and smells like burning death. I thought we had a talk about the fact that dad isn't allowed in the kitchen without a supervisor. I hear coughing from the kitchen, and the smoke alarm goes off. I grab my bag and bolt out the door. I think I'll leave this one for Alfred.

The sky is overcast and it's gross and muggy. I begin to sweat as I'm walking, but i don't plan on taking off my sweater. At least not in this lifetime.

The school is fast approaching, and i begin to realize the excitement that i feel about being back. Not constantly being watched by dad or Alfred. No reminders of Papa. Yup. Just me, school, teachers, and homework.

I walk onto the school yard and sigh, there's 15 minutes until first class starts, so i wank inside and go to my locker, not surprised to see the area around it empty, but slightly surprised to see that the lock is still on that locker three down from mine. Huh, he must like being alone as much as i do. Putting in my combo, i shove in my bag and pull out my math text book.

As i am shoving my locker shut, I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. From the corner of my eye, i see a flash of white hair, shining in the artificial lights. I turn to look and see Gilbert pulling a balancing act, with a text book on his head, a bag in one hand, while trying to open his locker with the other.

Slowly, the book slides from the top of his head, acting on instinct, i reach out and catch it before it hits the ground. He cringes, expecting a loud thump. When it doesn't happen he peers over at me, his eyes widening.

"You!" he says loudly dropping his bag to point at me. I look at him funny, not really sure how to respond. "You're the kid from the first day! Everyone told me that you weren't there, that 'oh all high and mighty Gilbert the awesome you must be seeing things!' then i started to believe them when i didn't see you again, but here you are!" he practically yells at me, not breathing once in the short rant.

I nod handing him his text book, it doesn't surprise me that he thought he was hallucinating. Seeing someone invisible, then them not coming to school for weeks. Hey i would have thought i was crazy too.

"so we have math together, right?" he asks me. I nod slowly. "cool, lets walk together, the bell should b-" BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ " be ringing soon. Damn am i awesome or what! Seriously only some one as awesome and sexy as me could do that!"

i don't see what sexiness has to do with knowing when the bell is gonna ring, but whatever. "so any ways as i was saying, let's walk to class together!" he begins to walk away, so i follow, though i don't know why. As we walk, he blabbers the entire way to math, although, his accent makes is kind of funny to listen to. He can pronounce all the words properly, but it still sounds funny.

Soon we are walking into math, walking over to the corner of the class and sitting down. He is ranting about the teacher right now, something to do with boring and coffee, but i don't pay distinct attention.

Gilbert sure can talk. Like, allot. I don't think I've said one thing, not that it bothers me, i don't talk very much when i am part of a conversation. The teacher walks into the class and places something on his desk... wait was that a cat?

Sure enough, the object begins to mew after being put down. The teacher sighs tiredly, then picks up the cat and putting it on his head saying "fine Larry" under his breath.

Gilbert leans over to me "i told you he was a crazy cat lady" he says quietly. I can't help but stifle laughter. Laughing feels weird, it feels as though it has been years since i laughed. If that's what you could call the stifled heavy breathing coming from my mouth.

I look over to Gilbert, and he seems pleased to have gotten some sort of emotion from me.

The teacher begins to talk lazily about an upcoming test. When he does move, he looks rather uncomfortable, but that might have something to do with the cat that is sitting on his head. Around halfway through the class he hands out a worksheet, then walks over to his desk and falls asleep.

I feel Gilbert nudge my arm and I look up from my worksheet. He is holding what looks to be a sharpie and has a menacing look on his face. He looks from me to the teacher, then back to me. I shake my head violently. He can't do that! He could get... he could get expelled!

But that doesn't stop him. He winks at me and then slyly slides out of his desk, tip toeing his way up the isles of desks. People watch him as he walks up to the teachers desk, and by the time he is right next to him, the whole class is watching to see if he is actually going to do it.

Gilbert removes the cap, pulling it off with his mouth. The whole class stares in awe as he draws three long lines on either side of the teachers face. Cat whiskers. CAT WHISKERS! I cannot believe he just did that!

Gilbert struts back down the isle, a large smirk on his face, and i can't help but face-palm. As Gilbert slides back into his desk, he puts the cap back on the sharpie. Then he picks up his text book and drops it on his desk, as hard as he can.

The teacher jumps out of his seat, his cat almost falling off his head. He looks around the class for a moment, and you can hear all the students trying not to laugh. Then the teacher just shrugs and falls back asleep on his desk.

The class is silent for a moment, until the teacher begins snoring, and then everyone begins laughing. Kids are pink in the face, one kid is slapping his knee, even the goody two shoes at the front of the class can't help but laugh. I too find myself smiling. Not everyday someone walks up to the teacher and draws on their face.

I look over to see Gilbert with a satisfied smirk on his face. He looks at me and grins. I shake my head and turn back to my worksheet, trying to block out the sound of everyone's laughing.

I spent the rest of the block doing the worksheet, and i even finished, although I'm not sure if i did it right. Gilbert didn't do any work at all, and just spent the whole block running his mouth off about his awesomeness to anyone with ears.

Eventually though, the bell did ring, and i made my way to second period. When i got there, i asked my teacher for the homework that i missed. It took my teacher a moment to realize i was there, but i got what i needed.

And that is how my entire first day went. It was slow and boring, but not as treacherous as i thought it would be. Gilbert stalked me for most of it, and let me tell you, he is just talk talk talk talk talk. Not that I mind! But i was kinda in a bad mood by the end of the day. My arms started to get irritated from rubbing in my sweater, and i had to re-rap them because the bandaging came loose in P.E.

When i got home, i made myself a mug of Madagascar vanilla tea and then went and sat on my bed, not realizing how tired i was until my head hit my pillow and i slipped into unconsciousness.

_(Arthur section. Not important to story, skip if you want to)_

Groaning, Arthur packs up his things and walks out of his work building, his feet dragging and his shoulders slumped. He waves at the nice lad at the front desk as he pulls open the door and walks outside into the crisp outside air. Slowly he makes his way down the street to where his car is parked.

Getting into his car, he throws his half empty brief-case into the back seat. He puts on his seat belt, starts his car, and pulls out of the spot. His thought only about where his destination would be tonight. He really liked the bar down near that one hotel, but he could always go to a new one.

Since the death of his beloved husband, Arthur has turned to drinking to numb his feelings of depression. Although his youngest son Matthew is completely unaware of this fact, Alfred is not. He has been telling his younger brother that Arthur is working late.

_Yes. _He thinks slowly. _Tonight i will go to a new place._ And that is how he found himself in a small pub, eating a cheese burger and drinking a pint. The name of the place is Cruzlies. _What an unattractive name_. He thinks lazily, the alcohol slowly seeping into his thought, making them slow and hazy.

He looks down at his watch, trying to see what time it is, and sees that his wrist is bare. Taking a minute to think, he remembers that he left it somewhere. In the shoebox of his car? No, no, no the _Glovebox_ of his car. Yes that's where he left it.

Asking for another beer, he asks the man what time it is, his voice slurring slightly.

"it's 12:45" says the bartenders low voice as he slides Arthur his beer. Arthur picks up the beer nodding, taking a swig. Then he chokes on his swig and spews the amber liquid out of his mouth at he comprehends what the bartender said. _Oh bloody hell._ He thinks, his mind in a panic as he finishes off the last beer and runs out to his car. _Alfred is going to murder me._

Lately Alfred has been the more responsible one, giving Arthur crap for staying out late and worrying Matthew and him. He opens his car door and throws himself in, slamming it shut, and not bothering to put on his seat-belt as he drives off like an Italian, in a hurry to get home.

When he arrives, the light in the living room is turned on, Dreading whats about to come next, he lugs himself out of the car, walking slwoly up the driveway with his brief-case in hand. He opend the front door and flinches slightly when he sees Alfred standing against the door frame of the living room.

"Do you have any idea what time it is!" Alfred hisses, his usually loud voice toned down as not to wake his sleeping brother. Arthur shrugs, playing it indifferent as he walks past Alfred and up the stairs.

"I can only hide the fact that you're drinking again from him for so long." Alfred says gently, causing Arthur to stop in his tracks. He turns to looks at Alfred, but the boy is already retreating down the stairs.

Sighing, Arthur continues walking up the stairs and walks down the hall. On his way to his bedroom, he walks by Matthews door. In all truth, he had been avoiding the boy. He just looked so much like Francis, it made his heart ache with loss to look at him.

Opening the child's bedroom door, he peeks looks it at Matthew. He is fast asleep, arms clutching his blankets, legs sprawled across the bed. He look almost peaceful, until you looked at his face, where his brow if furrowed with worry.

"Good night lad" Arthur says quietly, before closing the door and slipping back into his room, where he changes into his sleep wear and lays down for the night.

_(end on Arthur bit)_

_i'm sitting in the centre of a large field, the wind whispers wordlessly through the tall wisps of grass. Sitting across from me is a small boy. He is looking down, his silver grey hair covering his face._

I know that hair.

_His shoulders tremble, and i can hear gentle sobbing coming from him. His fists clench the soft earth next to him. I shift uncomfortably and his eyes snap up, locking with my own._

I know those eyes.

_His red eyes pierce into my soul, although they are clouded with tears. I feel a sharp pain stab through my chest. I clench at it, trying to get it to stop. My eyes close as i try to force the pain out of my body. Slowly the pain melts away, and my features relax._

_ When I finally look up, the boy is standing. He is no longer crying either. He motions or me to stand up and i do so. When i stand, i notice that I'm not as tall as i usually am. I look at my body and i find that i my body has shrunk, i am now only six years old._

_ The boy in front of me hold out his hand, asking me to shake it. Slowly, i raise my hand and he grasps it firmly._

_ "_hi, I'm Gilbert"

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

My alarm clock screams at me and i bolt straight up in bed. My body is sticky with sweat, my sweater from yesterday is wrinkled and so are my pants. Oh, that's right i fell asleep when i got home. I scratch my head, standing up from my bed and walking over to my dresser. I pull out a fresh pair of pants and hoodie.

I walk to the bathroom and change in there. As i slide off my sweater i unwrap the bandages on on my arms. I reach under the cupboard and instead of pulling out the razor as i have been every day for the last few years, i pull out the rubbing alcohol instead.

I rub the clear stuff all over my arms, wincing when is goes over a part where the a scab has been rubbed off. Then i re-wrap them and leave the bathroom. Today i just don't feel like cutting, and that surprises me. In-fact, I'm feeling rather excited about going to school today.

Walking back into my bedroom, i see the large sweat stain on my pillow. Ew. What did i dream about last night? I scour my brain, looking for remnants of the imagination memory, but i come up empty handed. Shrugging, I replace the pillow case, throwing the dirty one in the wash hamper in the corner of my room.

I walk downstairs and say good morning to Alfred, who (surprisingly enough) is awake. Pouring myself a bowl of cereal, because I'm to lazy to make pancakes, i sit down at the table. The cereal is a little bland for my liking, but it's all we had, so.

Once i finish my cereal, i stand from the table and rinse my dishes. I then pack myself a lunch, shove it in my bag, and say good-bye to Alfred, who salutes, of all the peculiar things. Then i walk to school with a distinct skip in my step.

Although I'm not sure why.

**There, chapter six is done. I am sorry about any OOCness. How'd i do? I think it was okay, how about you guys? I want lots of reviews, they are like candy (they motivate me to write) if you review, i want you to tell me one thing that i am doing good, and one that is bad. Pleaseeeeeee. Lotsa love from me to you :))))))))**

**3**


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